So *she* can’t stop having orgasms and gets to pull ‘sad-face’ on the front cover of a magazine, yet *my* near-constant masturbation is frowned upon?

It was bad enough when it got me sacked from the cheese counter at Tesco, then it ruined my budding career as a lollipop man. Some people just don’t see it as an illness, that’s the problem.

Still, I’ve got an interview next week for a job at the Daily Mail, which I’m pretty hopeful about as someone told me that everyone who works there is a hopeless wanker.