It’s Fate – Oct 2011

Ok, so I've been meaning to do this for a while, a full review of one of our mags. This one's a favourite of mine – 'It's Fate', and this one is the Oct 2011 edition:

This also proves that I do occasionally buy these, and not just take photos of them in the shops. Ahem.

We could start with the cover – I'm particularly interested in how a dead gran can also be 'wily', but let's jump in and see what we can find.

Ah. First page I'm detecting perhaps a slight knowing sarcasm with the phrase 'In your truly believable mystic mag'. Truly believable? I'll be the judge of that.

OK, our first story is about Shelly Horner, who used to be a policewoman until she realised she could make more money much safer as a 'psychic' until a spirit ghost told her to stop being one. It seems to take her a number of near-death experiences before she listens to him which does make me wonder quite how psychic she is to be honest. If a man called 'Argus' (yep) turned up dressed in 'the clothes of Ancient Greece' and had a word with me about this blog, I'd stop doing it sharpish. Or stop doing Crystal Meth, one or the other. She ends 'being a cop and a medium are similar, because you spend your time helping people', though out of the two I suggest calling the police first if a madman with an axe is breaking your front door in.

After another loon we have Jenny Smedley, who is encouraging us to 'Explore the past'. Jenny is an expert in 'past lives', apparently, and does readings for readers here, the veracity of which is slightly tempered by the note at the end of the page saying 'Readings are for entertainment purposes only'. So with that warning firmly in mind, let's plough on.

Immediately this is amazing. This is word for word how it appears:

Dear Jenny,

I feel huge affection towards an older woman, so much so I think there must be a past life link. Am I becoming gay?

Kate, 33, Chester.

Already a brilliant question. Here's Jenny's considered opinion, the first six words of which you probably weren't expecting after a question like that:

Dear Kate,

You're probably also nervous of airships, because in 1930 you were aboard the R101 when it crashed in France. Your name was Charles, and you were pulled to safety by a man called Eduard making you one of the few survivors. Eduard is now this woman…

She then explains that's why she's feeling the deep love, and not because she's suddenly turned gay. Unfortunately we may never know if she is indeed scared of airships (how many airships do we see nowadays anyway? Probably not a massive problem.) The specificity of these statements is amazing, she even got the names!

Let's move on.

The next bit's about making a magic wand (obviously) and comes with the warning that 'Your magic wand should only be used for the good of yourself or others'. The two things could of course be mutually exclusive in some situations, so perhaps best just to play it by ear in those situations I'd say.

Next we're onto Val, who has used the imaginary appearance of her dead gran as an excuse to shack up with her sister's ex-husband (I'm paraphrasing slightly there). Any bloody excuse.

Chakra reading next. If you want your chakra's read (who doesn't) then just send in a photo of them 'showing as many of them as possible'. Someone's also sent one in of her dogs, who presumably also have chakras? This one doesn't have the same 'entertainment only' warnings that the other one had so I'm guessing we can safely assume that these will be 100% accurate. One question reads:

Is there a reason I've had such bad luck in my love life?

Which, seeing as she looks quite attractive, I'm assuming her lack of success is down to her being the sort of person who will send a photo of her 'chakras' into a magazine. Lighten up love, men aren't keen on nutcases. 

Next up is a woman who believes her young daughter was Grace Kelly in a past life because she looks like her (she doesn't). Her reason for this is that, like Grace Kelly, her daughter has, and I quote, "blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes". On that principle Spongebob Squarepants is also a dead ringer. 

Moving on.

Couple of predictions from psychic Jenna Leigh-Raine here for October. "An American Senator is taken hostage" (nope), "A shortage of electricity brings blackouts to many of the UK's cities" (nope), "Frank Lampard smashes his arm in a vital match" (nope). This continues…

Ah the Letters page. Trevor writes:

I really enjoy writing, but will I ever get published

With which he sends a doodle for the 'doodle expert' (no, I didn't know that existed either) to interpret. The reply comes:

Good news for Trevor! By sending us this doodle, he's now been published!

Perfect.

Dream expert 'Roi De Lune' (real name obviously) has a double page spread interpreting dreams. Jenny, 37, writes:

I dreamt that a girl I know told me we'd butchered and skinned our victim.

which Roi interprets as her feeling guilty about something. No shit, Roi.

We've only just gone half way through this mag, so I'm starting to skip pages now before I lapse into a coma. A psychic detective suggests that a writer should report to the police that her daughter 'occasionally goes out with a bloke, and when she gets home she can't remember a thing'. Seriously, if you're writing into 'It's Fate' because your daughter thinks she's been repeatedly date-raped you're a fucking idiot. No offence. YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Ahem.

"Not again', I sighed as I woke from a deep sleep. I'd been dreaming repeatedly that I was the owner of Shanley Hotel". Well, we've ALL had that dream haven't we? CLICHE.

The rest of the mag isn't that great to be honest. A few horoscopes, some candles, that sort of thing. Either way, after all this TRUTH I need a lie down. If I have any dreams, I'll send them in for interpretation. 

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9 Comments

  1. Posted November 15, 2011 at 11:04 am | Permalink

    One (one?  there's nothing I don't love about this publication) of my favourite things about Chat! It's Fate! is when they advertise all the 'exciting' stories that will be in the next issue, except they have mysteriously disappeared by the following month, having been replaced by Texas the Psychic Horse and the woman who can talk to your dead pets "Your two week old hamster that died is now studying philosophy on a higher plane".

  2. takeaweirdbreak
    Posted November 24, 2011 at 7:07 pm | Permalink

    I fucking love Texas the Psychic Horse. Genuinely amazing.

  3. Posted December 7, 2011 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    "A Tale Of Bestiality"
    Several thousand years ago there were thousands of slaves that were building two cities. They ran off around the world and started their own countries. When these slaves ran off there was a large group of men that took off and ended up in Africa. Some of them were giants as tall as 9 ft. or even taller. The giant named Goliath that David killed with his slingshot was 9 ft. tall.
    Some of these men went exploring to Borneo and used ropes to catch female orangutans. They took them to South America and had sex with them and eventually created the Indians. The men that stayed in Africa used ropes to catch female gorillas. They had sex with them and eventually created the Africans.
    When scientists found the bones in Africa they thought we evolved naturally from a female chimpanzee. But it wasn't a natural evolution it was a man made evolution. That's where all the Bigfoot and Orangutan creatures come from. They are half man and half gorilla and half man and half orangutan.
    They use to call the Indians the red man. The orangutan has reddish hair. When those men bred out the hair the Indian's skin remained red. The gorilla has black hair and skin. When those men bred out the hair the African's skin remained black.  Some of the Indians and Africans are tall and some of the Bigfoot and Orangutan creatures are tall.
    They are tall because some of the men that created them were tall. Bigfoot came up through Africa and into the United States at the top of Africa when they were connected by land. The Orangutan creatures came up through Central America and into the United States like the Indians did later on.
    These creatures were able to travel around the world to other countries because some of the land was connected at the time. The first Europeans that saw the Africans said that some of the African women had genitalia that resembled that of a gorilla. If you look at the nose of a full blooded African and Indian you will notice that it is wide like the gorilla and orangutan's nose.
    In the 1920's there was a group of scientists in Orange Park, Florida that was said to have created a human-primate hybrid. One of the aging scientist told someone that they did create a human-primate hybrid. He said that after a few days went by they destroyed it. This was done in secret but the word got out.
    The creature that Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin filmed in 1967 was half man and half gorilla. It was a female Bigfoot that they nicknamed Patty. Patty was not a man in a costume, she is not our missing link and she is not a figment of our imagination.
    Patty is a creature that was created by men that had sex with female gorillas and orangutans a long time ago. Believe it or not, man created his own evolution.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBcxquJ1J6w

  4. GaspardW
    Posted January 3, 2012 at 3:35 am | Permalink

    And for a professional psychic, that Smedley woman is woefully lazy in her research; the full passenger and crew list is very easily found online, and none of the six survivors of the R101 crash was called Charles . If you're getting *paid* to lie to people, you could at least get the verifiable stuff right.

  5. bigfan
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 5:06 pm | Permalink

    This is high order journalism. I salute you and look forward to further such insights.

  6. Sindigo
    Posted April 5, 2012 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    Well done Gaspard. That's what I came here to say. :)

  7. Posted May 23, 2012 at 2:22 pm | Permalink

    You are hilarious!  Love this.  I've bought Chat magazine several times ("a ghost stole my crisps!") and have a soft spot for 'Blimey! That's Clever' where people send in dull inventions from household goods which are either agonizingly obvious ("why not use a pot as a plantpot?") or wholly useless (almost everything else).  BUT I've never had this amazing spin-off.  Next time I'm in a supermarket….

  8. takeaweirdbreak
    Posted August 12, 2012 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    Bless you, thanks

  9. takeaweirdbreak
    Posted August 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm | Permalink

    yep

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