Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your toes. Your fiancee's body rotting in the gara.. hang on a minute.

That was your 'best ever'? What was the worst? Oh yeah, you've seen that god awful BBC advert haven't you? Fair enough then.

Exclusive (for now)

Alongside this Fosters are be running another Twitter comp from 2pm Thursday until midnight Sunday. This week you can win a signed Jazz Club sign. The winner will be announced on the Monday morning. They’ll tweet a question from @fostersfunny  about the Jazz Club episode and ask for people to tweet them their response using #JazzClub. So you could win!!! Nice, etc.

Walking round like "The Lactator*" whenever you go near your dolls? You know you should probably get rid of the dolls, and perhaps spend more time with real people, yes? If I got a painful, spitting erection every time I walked past a mannequin in my house I'd consider getting out a little more, perhaps meeting some real people, that sort of thing.

Of course that doesn't happen to me. My mannequin and I have long moved to a different kind of relationship; she barely speaks to me any more, and I've a feeling she's seeing someone else. Pretty sure my Henry Hoover has started winking at me though, so…

*Female milk-firing Terminator. I dunno, I was tired when I wrote this.

Along with Fosters. Ace.

Ok, so I've been meaning to do this for a while, a full review of one of our mags. This one's a favourite of mine – 'It's Fate', and this one is the Oct 2011 edition:

This also proves that I do occasionally buy these, and not just take photos of them in the shops. Ahem.

We could start with the cover – I'm particularly interested in how a dead gran can also be 'wily', but let's jump in and see what we can find.

Ah. First page I'm detecting perhaps a slight knowing sarcasm with the phrase 'In your truly believable mystic mag'. Truly believable? I'll be the judge of that.

OK, our first story is about Shelly Horner, who used to be a policewoman until she realised she could make more money much safer as a 'psychic' until a spirit ghost told her to stop being one. It seems to take her a number of near-death experiences before she listens to him which does make me wonder quite how psychic she is to be honest. If a man called 'Argus' (yep) turned up dressed in 'the clothes of Ancient Greece' and had a word with me about this blog, I'd stop doing it sharpish. Or stop doing Crystal Meth, one or the other. She ends 'being a cop and a medium are similar, because you spend your time helping people', though out of the two I suggest calling the police first if a madman with an axe is breaking your front door in.

After another loon we have Jenny Smedley, who is encouraging us to 'Explore the past'. Jenny is an expert in 'past lives', apparently, and does readings for readers here, the veracity of which is slightly tempered by the note at the end of the page saying 'Readings are for entertainment purposes only'. So with that warning firmly in mind, let's plough on.

Immediately this is amazing. This is word for word how it appears:

Dear Jenny,

I feel huge affection towards an older woman, so much so I think there must be a past life link. Am I becoming gay?

Kate, 33, Chester.

Already a brilliant question. Here's Jenny's considered opinion, the first six words of which you probably weren't expecting after a question like that:

Dear Kate,

You're probably also nervous of airships, because in 1930 you were aboard the R101 when it crashed in France. Your name was Charles, and you were pulled to safety by a man called Eduard making you one of the few survivors. Eduard is now this woman…

She then explains that's why she's feeling the deep love, and not because she's suddenly turned gay. Unfortunately we may never know if she is indeed scared of airships (how many airships do we see nowadays anyway? Probably not a massive problem.) The specificity of these statements is amazing, she even got the names!

Let's move on.

The next bit's about making a magic wand (obviously) and comes with the warning that 'Your magic wand should only be used for the good of yourself or others'. The two things could of course be mutually exclusive in some situations, so perhaps best just to play it by ear in those situations I'd say.

Next we're onto Val, who has used the imaginary appearance of her dead gran as an excuse to shack up with her sister's ex-husband (I'm paraphrasing slightly there). Any bloody excuse.

Chakra reading next. If you want your chakra's read (who doesn't) then just send in a photo of them 'showing as many of them as possible'. Someone's also sent one in of her dogs, who presumably also have chakras? This one doesn't have the same 'entertainment only' warnings that the other one had so I'm guessing we can safely assume that these will be 100% accurate. One question reads:

Is there a reason I've had such bad luck in my love life?

Which, seeing as she looks quite attractive, I'm assuming her lack of success is down to her being the sort of person who will send a photo of her 'chakras' into a magazine. Lighten up love, men aren't keen on nutcases. 

Next up is a woman who believes her young daughter was Grace Kelly in a past life because she looks like her (she doesn't). Her reason for this is that, like Grace Kelly, her daughter has, and I quote, "blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes". On that principle Spongebob Squarepants is also a dead ringer. 

Moving on.

Couple of predictions from psychic Jenna Leigh-Raine here for October. "An American Senator is taken hostage" (nope), "A shortage of electricity brings blackouts to many of the UK's cities" (nope), "Frank Lampard smashes his arm in a vital match" (nope). This continues…

Ah the Letters page. Trevor writes:

I really enjoy writing, but will I ever get published

With which he sends a doodle for the 'doodle expert' (no, I didn't know that existed either) to interpret. The reply comes:

Good news for Trevor! By sending us this doodle, he's now been published!

Perfect.

Dream expert 'Roi De Lune' (real name obviously) has a double page spread interpreting dreams. Jenny, 37, writes:

I dreamt that a girl I know told me we'd butchered and skinned our victim.

which Roi interprets as her feeling guilty about something. No shit, Roi.

We've only just gone half way through this mag, so I'm starting to skip pages now before I lapse into a coma. A psychic detective suggests that a writer should report to the police that her daughter 'occasionally goes out with a bloke, and when she gets home she can't remember a thing'. Seriously, if you're writing into 'It's Fate' because your daughter thinks she's been repeatedly date-raped you're a fucking idiot. No offence. YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Ahem.

"Not again', I sighed as I woke from a deep sleep. I'd been dreaming repeatedly that I was the owner of Shanley Hotel". Well, we've ALL had that dream haven't we? CLICHE.

The rest of the mag isn't that great to be honest. A few horoscopes, some candles, that sort of thing. Either way, after all this TRUTH I need a lie down. If I have any dreams, I'll send them in for interpretation.