What? How? Who?
"Yeah, Maurice he was called. One-eyed fella. White hair. I hated him. Used to always steal my chips when I was walking along the beach. Thought I'd seen the last of him in that fatal gas explosion, but no."
This is like an Edgar Allan Poe story gone wrong.
Look at that grin on his face. Could he smile any more? That's the face of a man who genuinely can't believe his luck, and will probably die soon, in bed, and happy. God bless him.
They also turned her fanny into a kebab, and her arse into a couple of gigantic marshmallows.
(thanks to DG for this)
"Yeah, I took a pack of nurofen plus over there, and was promptly burnt as a witch."
I mean, come on. First off, why travel there to perform healing? If you're a healer, get going here and now, not on people who've been dead anyway for centuries. THERE'S NO POINT.
Second, if you really could travel back there, you don't need to be a healer. You've got magic enough, today. Take some of our medicine, or a rudimentary knowledge of hygiene and science, maybe some medical books and books on engineering, science, agriculture. You could change the world, the course of human history, life on Earth itself for the better. Think how far we could have come since then, with the knowledge we have now given to us in the 1500's – we could become Gods in our own time.
Instead you're on the front cover of a weekly mag with a few hundred quid in your pocket. Selfish, that's what that is. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
…'Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'. This might be taking things a bit far though…
You need a flowchart just to work out how you were referring to each other. Is your mate now your stepfather? Is your child also your stepbrother? You're now the stepfather to your mate's stepmother's child, who is also his child. Try finding a greetings card for that in Clinton's.
(thanks to @ChrisPitcher for the pic)
